Meditation just saved my life.

I'd like to start by saying I was never a spiritual person at all, and am still kinda skeptical at this point. I was one of those people who didn't know if god or an afterlife or anything was real or not and didn't really care. I started taking up meditation about 4 days ago when my mind became clouded with thoughts. The way I meditated was thinking of my thoughts as clouds or bubbles just floating away as I watched, and I would do this about 40-50 minutes a day (went off like the first video that comes up on youtube).

Today was a really bad day for me and I just felt isolated and lonely and generally hateful towards everything (Quarantine blues). Not too long ago my mom died of cancer and me and my fiance broke it off. I moved back to my hometown after living in California while in the Marine Corps and living with her for about 6 years. The house I'm in right now is the first place I smoked DMT in and is also the place I lived before joining the Marine Corps. While I was tripping on DMT I saw "the grid" as they called it and a formation of a girl. I couldn't see her face but I felt a presence of overwhelming love and couldn't help but feel she was an angel or my soulmate or something.

Anyways today I couldn't get the thought of offing myself out of my head and shut off all the lights in my house and meditated hoping that the thought of being "nothing" and watching my thoughts float away would help. In my mind I basically sent an angry message to whatever higher power saying if I have any sort of reason to be here you'll show me her face, you will show me her fucking face. (I'm talking about DMT girl.) Well I came up with some bullshit picture in my mind of a girl who I knew wasn't really her and I just started sobbing uncontrollably saying that I didn't want to be here anymore.

So I sat there again, palms in a cup shape in my lap sitting criss cross applesauce in the exact place I took that first hit of DMT. I told myself I'm not going to stop until I fucking see her face. I don't know how long I meditated all I know is that it was a long time. I kept having to tell myself to back away from my thoughts and become the atmosphere they were in, various times. Eventually the weirdest shit happened and I felt a pulling sensation on my head like a UFO was trying to suck me up or something.

Like I said I was the most anti religious guy you'd know before this, but eventually that pulling feeling led to my arms coming up almost like I was being lifted. I probably looked like one of those people in those fake "spiritual awakening" videos or whatever. Anyways all of the sudden I felt like I was being hugged and I knew it was her. All the shit, all the negativity, all the hatred, just went away and I told her "I wanna meet you" she said "You have to wait silly" and let go. As I was falling I saw her face and shouted "whats your name?!" she shouted back "Alexia!"

Man I couldn't stop crying and i'm crying right now just writing this. I was seriously so lost but now I feel as if I have some sort of hope. I don't know if she's in this life or an angel or just some bullshit I made up in my mind but that was the most powerful thing I've ever felt in my life. I don't know if visions like these just stem from great pain but whatever showed me it I can't thank enough. I just had to write this down while it was fresh in my brain. Thanks if you read this whole thing.