Im Sorry if my post is incoherent or grammatically incorrect, I'm really sleepy when I'm typing this…
Im 18 years old, Male and Just last Saturday, I was about to sleep because I felt sleepy and anxious/paranoid after drinking green tea(I'm also lacking sleep at that time)… as I laid down, I started choking and panicking, breathing hard, heart is pumping hard and fast, i was extremely anxious and felt fear like never before, felt like I'm gonna have a stroke!….. So I got my landlord to call an ambulance then two nurse came and asked me questions while I was breathing uncontrollably and felt like I'm gonna have a heart attack, They did some tests on me and said that my oxygen level is normal… I asked for a ventilator and they said that it's not needed but I can still use it for peace of mind, She's so nice, I thought, so we got into an ambulance and I still feel like dying, And then a "disgusting" thought came to me, (I tried to imagine having sex with the nurse), What the hell!! I was literally gasping for breath and this disgusting stuff came into my mind!!! I didn't even feel good, I just felt disgusted to my self, This is when I realized that my mind has corrupted by porn… when we got to the hospital they did an xray and MRI scan on me, and they said that I have nothing wrong inside my body, but they tested my blood and they said it has abnormally high acid reflux… the female nurses tried to comfort throughout my stay, I never felt such humanity, they're so nice, One even said that she would protest if they tried to stroke another needle in me, but to be honest, i don't care about the needle, felt anxious and I was wheezing, when my symptoms started getting better and I'm about to leave, another nurse told me (genuinely) that she hopes that all these things get sorted out because she hurts inside when she sees me in pain and I should stay or come back as long as I want, Wtf, I just met this woman for just a couple hours but she's showing me a lot of sympathy, Such humanity but at the time, I just said thanks because I'm in still shock of my condition. Throughout my stay, nurses would come to check on me and sexual thoughts would pop up but I would immediately neutralize them for the sake of human dignity, and respect and raw disgust at my self.
Sunday, I still feel like gasping for breath, Its the abnormal acid reflux, I need to sit down to tame the pain but it won't go away, I tried to think about watching porn to ease the pain and feel a little good but the thought of the humanity that the female nurses gave me made me stop and think, I will never watch porn again, I have dehumanized women in my thoughts and its disgusting and unhealthy…
So I started meditating, Throughout the hours I felt anxious, pain and fear while meditating until I fell asleep…
Monday, I feel a little better so I started watching documentaries about meditation, buddhism, monks and I learned a lot about mindfulness and I meditated throughout the day, I even started to slowly walk to mindfully feel the sensations through my feet like the monks do, I felt pretty nice minus the burning sensation in my heart.
Tuesday, I started walking to the park for the sunshine and after an hour, I decided to walk back home because i started feeling anxious and fear, as i started to walk home, I thought of the nurses that gave compassion to me, I started crying…. they're so human, I just can't… my whole teenage years, I was a narcissist, and an ego maniac, I suffered alot throughout the years and the nurses proved that it doesn't have to be that way, There's another way where your self esteem doesn't have to rely on your ego… I also felt sad that I won't feel any compassion that the nurses gave but although getting compassion from another human is nice… getting compassion doesn't need to be external, as the monks proved that inner happiness or peace is possible…. So I tried to learn self love or self compassion on youtube, and people like Kristin Neff showed up….
Fast forward to today, I feel really good waking up, I can still feel mild heart burn.. but I started the day, watching travel videos as I find them spiritually satisfying, and started meditating by walking on a wooden floor and… I took some rounds around the park.. the breeze of the win felt so amazing, I never felt this way in years, This is the product of my perseverance, patience, mindfulness and self love, I said to myself.. then I came home and I started the classic meditation of sitting and deep mindfulness breathing
THEN it all fell apart, I had the sudden urge of over eating
First the hunger was mild, then it got worse, I can't stop shoving food into my body… I know that over eating will increase the intensity of my heart burn but I kept shoving food into my stomach… And if that's not bad enough, I had this sudden urge of wanting to watch porn…. the disgust was there but I kept watching, first I watched a video of a man and couple girls in the room… that's too dehumanizing I said…( I was never a picky porn watcher before)… So I tried another "random" video and this time its hardcore… that's just fcked up… hes treating her like she's not even alive! I said to myself…. then I came across a pov video where theres a naked woman but no men, which is quite tame so I did what I felt like I need to do… Then i completely jumped into a rabbit hole….throughout the day, I surfed pornhub, I tried to avoid the things that I deemed too dehumanizing and searched for tame videos until I became an animal with no self control, I just started watching things, didn't even care what I was watching, as long as I feel a strong arousal….
The act of mindfulness, self compassion, patience, self control, and the thought of human dignity and respect got overwhelmed by my Carnal desires… the worst thing is that, this kept happening throughout my life when I try to do something to possitive acts to change my life.. My efforts would all fall apart… and it's so frustrating that it's hard to not think of suicide… after eating a lot this afternoon, I feel like my heart is burning, and I can't properly breath, my heart is beating hard and fast and I felt anxious and fear again.
I've criticized this sub before and that's because I'm ignorant, but now I'm willing to open my heart to your wisdom… please help
How can I break from this cycle?